I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
