the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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