The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
