you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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