listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
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