You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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