420 ftw
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
