We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Well I just put wine in my tea
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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