Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
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