; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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