Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize