As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
