Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
