please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
