do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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