My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
