just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
