How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
