i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
