She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
