Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
