The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
