I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
