Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
