Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize