Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
