Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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