I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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