I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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