2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
