im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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