I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
