I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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