You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
