Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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