I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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