Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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