Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
