What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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