i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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