she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
