If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
