So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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