I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
