it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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