it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
