this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
