Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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