he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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