i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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