Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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