I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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