I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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