Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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