remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
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