apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
