i don't like sucking hair
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You ruined the universe
Randomize
