So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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