I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
