If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
