I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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