I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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