How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
